Mellen (absentmammoth) wrote,

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You can look, but you can't touch; You can touch, but you can't taste...

It's always the things I want the most that I can't have. Or, is it the things I can't have that I want the most? I'm trying to figure out which is really first in this set up. Do I want things merely because, deep down inside, I know I can't have them? Or is it a genuine desire for something that continues to evade my grasp? And, in the end, does it really matter?

The smell, the sounds, the taste, the feeling and emotions...I want them all, and while I catch glimpses, they scatter before I can catch them. The only thing that remains is an echo, or an old photograph, dulled by exposure to time and the outside world. Yet everytime I look at that picture, I want it to be real. Sometimes I actually cry, sob, even scream for it. Is it a desire I cannot fulfill, or a desire for what cannot be fulfilled?

I tell people they should let go of the past when it hurts them--merely remember the pleasant pieces, and move on. Yet, I suppose it is the pleasant ones that pain us the most when we realize we can no longer have that happiness. I, too, should try to move on, but some days, it seems like I will forever be stuck in a loop of loss I cannot overcome. Today just happens to be one of those days. Don't ask me why...even I don't know.

Somehow, I've managed to remain an optimist. I feel eventually I will find the fruit that is not forbidden to me. Still, I continue to struggle with myself for just a taste...

"Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting; it is not logical, but it is often true." It's one thing to know it, and another to try and remember. Logic--if only it could fix the illogic of emotions. Damn whoever made that impossible.

  • (no subject)

    so the basics since i last said anything to anyone via the internet are: 1. staying in japan for a third year. this was a tough decision, but the…

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    i'm not dead, just boring.

  • (no subject)

    also, is this really a new Bonnie "Prince" Billy album, or just some random songs thrown together for a kind of EP? Because it's kind…

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