Mellen (absentmammoth) wrote,

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the comeback

so, not having posted during a very eventful period of my life means we're playing catch-up now. here are the things that have happened:

i went to thailand during vacation.
i ended my engagement after vacation.
i went to korea the next weekend.
i went back to work at elementary school.

each of these things deserves its own post, and each in turn will receive one. even though it's out of chronological order, i believe the second item must be addressed first, as much pain as it causes me. being that it all began on lj, i think it best to share my feelings at the end here as well.

as many of you may already know or have already guessed, i ended my engagement with Patrick after i returned from Thailand. I should state from the start that there was no one particular incident or problem between us that caused me to do this so much as a lot of internal investigation and thought. while there are details and some events i would prefer to keep private, i'll share the basics with you so that you might better understand where i am coming from.

swept up by a massive amount of emotion in the renewing of our relationship, i decided it would be good to skip any middle steps and propose marriage. i also wanted to offer the added security of commitment that would give to our long-distance relationship. i think a lot of people might have seen it as moving too fast. and in all honesty, it was. i don't regret the feelings at all, but i do wish i'd been more thoughtful when making such a big decision. my carelessness has caused added pain, and for that, i'm eternally sorry.

wanting to stay in Japan for a second year was the first time it became clear to me that maybe i needed more time alone with myself, and more independence. this has literally been the first time in my life i have truly lived on my own, and while at the start i was lonely, i began to realize that there were things i'd never thought of that were good about living by myself. events in January (especially the long weekend in Kobe) really cemented this feeling for me. an enjoyment of being alone was completely new, and i started to feel like i needed more of it. i really felt a startling difference in myself, and i couldn't deny that i liked what i saw. Patrick and I never could come to even terms with me wanting to stay. I knew there was a part of him that may never forgive me for it, but i wouldn't forgive myself if i didn't take hold of what i knew i wanted for my own well-being. it really started to make me think that maybe what was good for me wasn't good for us as a couple.

feelings and second thoughts about things continued to chew on the back of my brains. the trip to thailand afforded these thoughts the opportunity to come to the forefront of my mind instead. i went to thailand with the express purpose of relaxing and centering myself. yet i found things at my center i had not anticipated. i found a lot of shit, honestly. guilt complexes and denial, self-doubt and self-loathing, among other things. i realized that i am more fucked up than i'd wanted to ever admit. and i realized i probably need some therapy. and i realized that i'm nowhere near ready to make a lifelong commitment to another person at this juncture. the things i thought i wanted were changing, and i was changing, and i still am. i really don't know who or what i'm going to be at the end of all this. i still have a lot to sort through.

when i came back from thailand, i realized it would be wrong not to be honest about these feelings. to pretend there wasn't a problem would only lead to larger problems down the road. and so even though it hurt me like i've never hurt before, i ended my engagement with Patrick. it has made me feel selfish and guilty, and i do feel like an asshole over the whole thing, to tell you the truth. but i feel like an honest asshole. i feel like i'm learning from this, not just casting aside a painful event and letting it be forgotten.

i will always love you in a special way, Patrick. i will always want to be as close as we were as friends. i hope that you can feel the same way in time. i know this is hard for you, and i'm more regretful of hurting you like this than anything else i've done in my whole life. i'm sorry i can't make this better because i am the cause of the pain, but i wish i could. i hope we can find some peace with all this and find the right place for ourselves in the future.

that's a very brief telling of it. if anyone wants to ask me any questions, send me any thoughts or hate mail, feel free to do so. i will be posting about happier events in the future, but i don't want anyone to think that this wasn't the most important and that i've forgotten it already.

thanks for reading.

  • (no subject)

    so the basics since i last said anything to anyone via the internet are: 1. staying in japan for a third year. this was a tough decision, but the…

  • (no subject)

    i'm not dead, just boring.

  • (no subject)

    also, is this really a new Bonnie "Prince" Billy album, or just some random songs thrown together for a kind of EP? Because it's kind…

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