Mellen (absentmammoth) wrote,

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I'll know what it is when I find it...

I just finished an old black and white film on WGBH tonight/this morning. I came in not quite in the beginning, but not quite yet at the middle. I have no idea the name of the film or the actors in it. But I do know the plot line.

A middle-aged housewife travels on Thursdays to the movies. She meets a man there, also married, and almost by sheer coincidence, get to talking. They agree to see each other next week...etc, typical kind of romance/affair deal. Yet it was so sad. In the end, they decide it is best to part, and he accepts a job offer in Africa. And, during their last minutes together, probably ever, these two people who are so madly in love are interupted by an obnoxious old friend of the woman's, and they are forced to part as if there is nothing between them. Life is a bitch even in the movies sometimes it would seem. However, the most interesting thing about the movie was it's perspective. It was all told from a first-person view of the woman, in the past tense, telling the story to her husband. She narrates her thoughts throughout the film. In my opinion, it was very well written. I really felt for this woman, and all that she was going through. And the best part of the film, in my opinion, is the very end. We return after seeing the story unfold to the family's living room, where the wife is confessing the whole thing. She finishes, and her husband sits for a moment. He then gets up and sits next to her saying, "Whatever kinda of dream you had, it wasn't a happy one." He holds her hand and continues, "You've been very far away. Thank you for coming back to me." And he holds her, and that is the end of the film. The amount of understanding the man has is what makes it such a great ending. He doesn't yell, he doesn't refuse to speak to her, he doesn't focus on himself at all practically. He sees his wife is in pain, and wants more than anything to comfort her. He even thanks her for coming back to him, despite the fact she's just told him about the entirety of her affair. It's the kind of understanding people like myself dream of. And at times, it is the kind that I have found, almost always when I wasn't expecting it.

Then I read David's post today. He has no regrets. Indeed, David, you are lucky. Regret is a very painful emotion to live with. This movie and his post made me think of all the regrets I have myself. I only hope the people in my life can be as kind about my mistakes.

I don't know why I'm really writing this right now. I guess I'm just emotionally stirred with the combination of the two things. I'm remembering all the things I regret...I'm trying to decide what I can do to never feel that way's a very odd emotion. I honestly can't describe the way I feel...I'm feeling so many things at once. Past and present. Strange, how an old movie I don't even know the name of and a few words of a beloved person, not even directed at me, have shaken me around. Yet, I wouldn't call this a bad feeling simply is, and I cannot come up with the words to explain it properly. I guess...reflective might be the best word.

I'm going to sit on the sofa now, blanket around me, and the ever faithful Jo-Jo by my side. We'll see if I can't find what it is I want from myself tonight, whatever that may be...

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