December 6th, 2000

i'm good!

In Theory

Well, I've forced many people to read this essay, and while I've done some grammarical revision, Treb seems to be the only one who doesn't like it. I think we're going to go with this one over the other therefore. It was REALLY bad.

This morning, I woke up, and the answer came to me. The reason I'm so lonely, and what I can do about it...I then promtly fell back asleep and forgot it totally when I woke up again. However, pondering over the course of the day, things like this occurred to me:
1. I have more fun when I'm with someone. Times seem a little less rough when I have someone to be with. Maybe this is why I want a just simply enjoy myself a bit more.
2. The thought of making someone else happy makes me happy. I think this is why I stayed with Ed as long as I did...even though things didn't seem to work out so well, he seemed happy to be with me in the end. I know I can't base a relationship on this alone, but I think it could explain why I'm so lonely. I really want to make someone else happy by being with then. It is part of what makes me happy.
3. Nostalgia. I have so many fond memories of being in relationships, and right now, I don't have those same, glorious feelings to just saturate into my soul. I miss that a lot.
4. I want to be loved. It's a damned good feeling, and without it, I feel there is a part of me that just dies away. Being liked as a friend, or in a "light" relationship makes me happy, but it's not the same. I'm not looking for fairy tale, sweep you off your feet romance, but just some genuine love.

Those are all the ideas I've come up with so far...though whatever it was I forgot this morning was a hell of a lot better. As important as this is, however, I must now figure out what I'm going to sing at tonight's musical auditions. ::sigh::...."I feel pretty, oh so pretty...."
  • Current Music
    Yoko Kanno - Blue
i'm good!


Now, it's time to look for some answers to my little lonliness problem...we know why I feel crappy being lonely...what can be done for it? Current proposals from self:
1. Find a boyfriend and start a relationship. This is not likely going to happen, and in the long run, I suppose, wouldn't really solve much but my CURRENT lonely status. Still, it'd be nice.
2. Learn to somehow like being alone and come to terms with it. Any clue how to do this? I mean, I like spending time alone, but that's not the same at all. I am content to be alone with myself physically, but not to be alone emotionally, if that makes any sense. At this rate, knowing me, it probably doesn't.
3. Move to Japan. Technically, this doesn't solve anything, but wouldn't that be cool?!? I could nab me a Japanese man, perhaps. Maybe I could go find Koyasu-sama and get my "kidnap and brainwash" on. He loves me, he just doesn't know it yet ^_~
4. Hara-kiri. Not exactly a quick and painless solution, but most definately permanent. It would give me something to do with my katana too, heh.
5. Wait it out. I'm only 18 years old, and this is just a phase. College, the ever popular meeting ground of most couples, still awaits me. Sure, I want all the answers now, but maybe I'm not gonna have them for a bit, and I'll just have to deal.
6. Lesbianism. This one isn't going to work for me, but it is, by definition, a partial solution to the problem. Figured if I was going to list 'em, why not list 'em ALL?
7. Find out what makes me unhappy with myself. I've tried this, and I keep hitting a brick wall. I guess I just have to build confidence, that seems to be the only thing I can think of that might make me unhappy. Oh well.
8. Give up. It really doesn't matter. Let the feelings I have for anyone and anything just die out. Be like, Seta Soujirou or something. No feeling means no pain. To a lesser extent, I could just let go of the people I have my heart set on and try not to linger to heavily on the past. That might work.

These all sound pretty lame I suppose. Oh well, we'll see I guess. Best I can do for now.
  • Current Music
    Koyasu Takehito - hoshi ni negai wo komete