I know I don't want to do the year in Japan. But not putting in my application makes me feel like I'm letting my professor down. Like I'm quitting.
Even when I know it's the right thing for me to do, it's also very hard for me to do. Like when I dropped calculus in high school. I knew it was the right thing for me to do. But I cried all day. I felt like I was letting my parents, teachers, and even myself down. As if I should have stayed regardless. I know it's the wrong way to think. Doing things to please others when you're heart's not in it is no good.
Still, I'm depressed.
Probably ties back to my fear of being seen as stupid. As those closest to me know, that's my one biggest phobia. Quitting anything, trivial or not, makes me feel like I'm being stupid, or that those important to me think I'm stupid.
And it just cycles back around when I think that thinking like that makes me feel stupid too.
I try not to do this often. But this is an important thing to me. And now, I'm just wanting to hide my head in the ground and give up.
I really have to ride this out. It's what I need to do.
No matter what anyone says, for me, quitting is never the easy way out.