Mellen (absentmammoth) wrote,

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And then there is death...

Death has been on my mind lately. Not in a morbid way, mind you, more of an inquisitive, thoughtful fashion. For many reasons.

My maternal grandmother is dying. The only reason I feel badly about that, though, is because I don't feel bad. She lives fairly far away, and I've only seen her once or twice a year for my entire life. I don't really know her, and she doesn't really know me. She's more like a distant aunt than a close relative. I wish I'd gotten to know her better, I wish she knew who I was, but it just never happened. From what I gather through my mother and even from the little I hear from her, though, I think she's looking forward to dying. She, like my mother, is very religious, and she's getting ready to go meet her god. She's very sick, and death would probably be a good release for her. She really can't live on her own mom may have to put her in a nursing home. Personally, I'd prefer death to that.

Yet, just last night, I received news that the father of an old friend of mine had just died. I can't imagine how hard it would be to lose a parent at the age of 21. Though I suppose it's hard to lose a parent at any age. I talked to her, and she told me how she'd said her good byes, how she'd cried in the hospital, how she was holding up. It was nice to talk to her, but it was a sad conversation.

It's odd, I feel like dying myself will be a great adventure. Brandon and I were just discussing the idea the other night, and it was not only interesting, it was kind of exciting. At the same time, I really like life, so I'm in no hurry to meet death, but I don't find it upsetting that I will die.

What's not as easy to cope with is not my own demise, but the death of the people close to me. Unexpected death especially. On the surface, easy to understand. Yes, all my loved ones are mortal. We knew that from the get go. But if you take just a second longer, imagine the immensity of that statement. Everyone you love will die. Many, in your lifetime. You don't need to have a near-death experience to see how amazing every day is if you really understand that. If you don't yet, listen to "Do You Realize" until it makes you cry. The beauty of life exists because death exists. Still, just thinking about losing some of the people in my life creates such an impact on my mood.

But, if death is just a dream continued, I hope to see them all in my dreams again. Such happy sadness is what really makes me amazed.

I haven't reached any brilliant answers, but the puzzle is always more interesting before it's finished. So, the only thing to do is keep living.

By the way, I love you all.

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    so the basics since i last said anything to anyone via the internet are: 1. staying in japan for a third year. this was a tough decision, but the…

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    i'm not dead, just boring.

  • (no subject)

    also, is this really a new Bonnie "Prince" Billy album, or just some random songs thrown together for a kind of EP? Because it's kind…

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