Mellen (absentmammoth) wrote,

This just in...

A new study conducted at the Seemingly Obvious Institute recently concluded the major cause of death in the nation today, and perhaps worldwide, is life.

"You see, we studied a lot of things that were alive and others that weren't, or 'living-impared'," says the lead researcher on the project. "Rocks were a big one. They were my favorite because they were fairly easy to observe."

As it turns out, all the things in the study that were alive (goats, flowers, small children, and spiders, for example) ended up dying in almost every scenario and experiment the researchers ran.

"One time, we locked a few of the living things in a closet without food, and did the same with some of the living-impared things. We also locked up a researcher as a control. When we came back in a few weeks, everything in the living closets had died, while the living-impared specimens hadn't changed at all, and were just as un-alive as they had started."

While there is little most of us can do about being alive these days, the group has put out a list of factors that may increase the problems of living and cause death in many patients. They include the following:

1. Being born
2. Giving birth
3. Learning
4. Ignorance
5. Over-working
6. Over-relaxing
7. Marriage
8. Divorce
9. Remaining Single
10. Having friends
11. Not having friends
12. Eating
13. Not eating
14. Reading this article

To see the full results of the study and the complete list of possible death factors, go to the Institute's website, or read the full publication in this week's Journal of Overly Respected Medical Findings.

This study was funded by Life-Extension, where our motto is "Sick of life? Stay frozen until they find the cure!" For more information, please call 1-800-FREEZ-ME.

  • (no subject)

    so the basics since i last said anything to anyone via the internet are: 1. staying in japan for a third year. this was a tough decision, but the…

  • (no subject)

    i'm not dead, just boring.

  • (no subject)

    also, is this really a new Bonnie "Prince" Billy album, or just some random songs thrown together for a kind of EP? Because it's kind…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.