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24 May 2002 @ 06:35 am
Usually, I don't have nightmares. Sometimes I have dreams that are a little disturbing, but I take it all in stride. No, it's only a nightmare if it really affects you. When you wake up crying, it's a nightmare. Last night, this is what I had. A nightmare.

This is actually a re-occurring nightmare, but like a bad TV show, each time I have it, there's a little more too it, and it's a little scarier. In this dream, my father kills himself. The first time I had it, all I knew was he was dead. The next time, that he'd hung himself in basement of our church. This one was the worst. It was very dark and gothic, actually. I was at the church, crying and crying, and people were all talking about me like, "Oh, yes, did you hear what happened to her? She saw her father hang himself." And then, crying, I had a flashback in the dream. I accidently stumbled upon my dad in the bathroom of the church, where he was writing things on the wall...some things forwards, others backward, in some lipstick. Strange things like "Stay away from my wife" and a picture of what he wanted his grave to look like. The ones that were written backwards, al a Memento, were tattooed to his chest. He explained to me for some reason he was doing it for my mom and us, but I didn't really understand. Then, I watched as he went and hung himself from some pipes in the church's basement.

This is disturbing on many levels. I love my father dearly, and seeing him die is very upseting. He also represents things like stability and reason in my life, and this dream threw them into darkness. The fact that I seemed to be the only one upset by this was scary too.

Most of the time, when I wake up from a nasty dream, I can just shake it off..it was, after all, just a dream. Not this one. Otherwise, almost needless to say, I wouldn't be out of bed a 6:35 AM.

I think I'm gonna go make some tea now...soothe my nerves...
Mood: Shaken
Joshua: bonesthoth on May 24th, 2002 02:25 pm (UTC)
Dreams have had an odd relationship with me lately. I think they have a much more profound impact on our mood than we give them credit for. When you meditate enough you get in the habit of identifying passing moods and feelings and generally when you identify them as arbitrary they go away, or with a little thought. But dreams put me (maybe us) in moods that I know are arbitrary, but won't go away. Like if I dream of having some kind of argument, I'll feel contentious. All day. Even when I know I'm doing it and why. And if I dream of having a relationship with some nonexistant dark-haired girl. I'll have an emotional attraction to dark-haired girls I see walking by the window.

I think dreams play deep down at the level where we make our identity. Maybe that's how we build our identity. We do things in the day, and they get processed at night and added to the core.

Or. . maybe not :)