Mellen (absentmammoth) wrote,

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Usually, I don't have nightmares. Sometimes I have dreams that are a little disturbing, but I take it all in stride. No, it's only a nightmare if it really affects you. When you wake up crying, it's a nightmare. Last night, this is what I had. A nightmare.

This is actually a re-occurring nightmare, but like a bad TV show, each time I have it, there's a little more too it, and it's a little scarier. In this dream, my father kills himself. The first time I had it, all I knew was he was dead. The next time, that he'd hung himself in basement of our church. This one was the worst. It was very dark and gothic, actually. I was at the church, crying and crying, and people were all talking about me like, "Oh, yes, did you hear what happened to her? She saw her father hang himself." And then, crying, I had a flashback in the dream. I accidently stumbled upon my dad in the bathroom of the church, where he was writing things on the wall...some things forwards, others backward, in some lipstick. Strange things like "Stay away from my wife" and a picture of what he wanted his grave to look like. The ones that were written backwards, al a Memento, were tattooed to his chest. He explained to me for some reason he was doing it for my mom and us, but I didn't really understand. Then, I watched as he went and hung himself from some pipes in the church's basement.

This is disturbing on many levels. I love my father dearly, and seeing him die is very upseting. He also represents things like stability and reason in my life, and this dream threw them into darkness. The fact that I seemed to be the only one upset by this was scary too.

Most of the time, when I wake up from a nasty dream, I can just shake it was, after all, just a dream. Not this one. Otherwise, almost needless to say, I wouldn't be out of bed a 6:35 AM.

I think I'm gonna go make some tea now...soothe my nerves...

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